Grief is our natural reaction to a significant meaningful loss, which is most often accompanied by emotions such as sadness, anger, resentment, confusion, and numbness. Grief occurs when we lose someone or something significant to us, be it a person, pet, job, relationship or a major life event that never eventuated. The process of grieving varies from partner to partner, person to person, and often unfolds in stages with the process allowing for mourning and then over time gradually coming to terms with the loss.
Grief can place considerable stress on both partners, as the emotional turbulence and vulnerability it brings may lead to distance or miscommunication in the relationship. However, by facing grief together, couples have the chance to strengthen their emotional connection, offer mutual support, and grow stronger as a team. Coping with grief as a team requires open communication, empathy, patience, and emotional resilience.
“Your memory feels like home to me. So whenever my mind wanders, it always finds its way back to you.”
- Ranata Suzuki
Common Phases of Grief
The phases of grief are often referred to as the "Five Stages of Grief,” and this concept was originally introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. The 5 stages of grief are:
Bargaining: Trying to negotiate or make deals (often with a higher power) to reverse the loss.
Anger: Frustration or fury about the loss, often asking "Why me?" or “Why them?
Denial: Difficulty accepting the reality of the loss, feeling detached or numb.
Depression: Deep sadness over the loss, feeling emotionally overwhelmed.
Acceptance: Coming to terms with the loss.
It’s important to note that although they are named ‘stages’, these are not experienced in a specified order, each stage may last for a different amount of time, or be more or less intense than others, and not everyone necessarily goes through all 5 of the stages. The process of grief is an unpredictable, messy and non-linear one. Grieving is unique to each person and partner.
Allowing for Individual Grief Responses
One of the first challenges that grieving partners may face is the realisation that everyone processes their loss differently. It's helpful to remind each other that grief is a deeply personal and unique experience. Supportive partners will aim to accept and acknowledge each other's individual grief behaviours and coping strategies without harsh criticism and judgment. Your partner may show signs of emotional grief, pragmatic/practical grief, physical grief, avoidant grief or intellectualised grief.
A common example we would see in couples counselling would be where one partner may need to express their feelings through conversation and de-briefing, while the other partner finds that too overwhelming and needs stillness and solitude. Some partners may withdraw, others might seek more affection and care than usual, while some may turn to distractions such as work, socialising or exercise as a coping mechanism. Honest and compassionate conversations about each partner’s preferred way of handling their grief can help avoid misunderstandings, personalisation, helplessness and feelings of rejection.
“Your grief path is yours alone, and no one else can walk it, and no one else can understand it.”
- Terri Irwin
Shared Grief Rituals
One meaningful way partners can cope with grief together is by creating shared rituals of healing. These can be little, small acts, such as lighting a candle to honour the memory of the person lost, cooking a treasured recipe together, visiting a special place together, planting a meaningful flower in the garden, or talking over dinner each night about when grief rolled in for each other that day. It is in the sharing of these rituals that can provide a sense of togetherness and bonding through the grief.
These shared grief rituals can provide both emotional and psychological benefits to each of the partners by fostering a sense of deep connection, offering some structure in a time of change and confusion. These little rituals can speak loudly of your support and care for your partner and serve as heartfelt reminders that although life may never be the same after such a significant loss, together the partnership can find ways to still have connection, meaning, safety and comfort.
Balanced Boundaries in Grief
On the flipside of this, whilst grief can be shared and supported by our partners in love, it is also crucial to remember that not all partners are ready to, or able to, share their grief with their partners in this way. One partner may prefer solitude to journal, read, research or meditate without feeling the need to constantly involve the other partner. It is essential that both partners respect each other’s boundaries when it comes to personal grief work.
By allowing for these individual boundaries this helps to ensure that neither partner feels pressure or expectation to ‘heal’ or ‘fix’ the other’s grief. Furthermore, it is not uncommon for one partner to feel the pressure of being the ‘strong stoic one’ while the other grieves openly. However, in a healthy relationship, both partners would allow themselves to be vulnerable and ask for help when they need it. This may involve acknowledging that professional counseling, grief support groups or grief therapy is necessary to help process the depth of their grief.
“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.”
- Vicki Harrison
Conclusion
Living with grief can be hard enough to navigate as an individual, and being in a relationship has the potential to make grief even more complex, however as we’ve discussed, grieving both as an individual partner, and, together as a partnership can allow grief to present as an opportunity for growth and connection.
When we can allow for individual differences, use open gentle communication, and support each other with empathy, partners can navigate the challenges of grief together. Through compassion, patience, shared rituals, and a commitment to healing, relationships can not only survive grief as a team but emerge stronger and more connected. Grief, though painful, can ultimately bring partners closer together as they learn to lean on each other through life’s most complex moments.
"Love is really the only thing we can possess, keep with us, and take with us."
-Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
By Carlie Kowald
