Gottman’s Emotional Bank Account is a psychological metaphor created by Dr. John Gottman; a prominent researcher best known for his studies on relationships.
Gottman’s Emotional Bank Account uses the symbolism of a ‘bank account’ to explain how interactions between partners signify a ‘deposit’ or a ‘withdrawal’ in the relationship ‘account’. By consistently making positive deposits and avoiding unnecessary withdrawals, the metaphor shows how couples can build a healthy emotional reserve that helps to sustain them through inevitable relationship challenges. Gottman’s metaphor of the Emotional Bank
Account offers a deeper understanding of how everyday interactions with our partners can significantly impact the long-term stability of the relationship.
Building a Healthy Emotional Bank Account
The good news is that the actions required to build your wealth in your relationship’s Emotional Bank Account can be our daily, small, everyday moments and do not necessarily need to be grand gestures that require lots of time/energy/money to enact. Instead, our Emotional Bank Account is gradually built over time through our everyday moments of connection or disconnection. When partners can gift little acts of kindness, empathy, affection, and understanding, they are then making deposits into each other’s emotional accounts.
Deposits:
Small, positive acts, showing our gratitude, saying thank you, showing affection, active listening, and providing support during tough times, are deposits.
These actions, although small and simple, and seemingly insignificant on the surface, build up over time and contribute to a strong sense of safety and trust between partners.
Withdrawals:
Adverse behaviors, such as criticism, stonewalling, overlooking emotional bids, or speaking with contempt, are withdrawals to the emotional bank account. Over time, these repeated seemingly minor actions reduce the sense of safety, fondness, and trust within the relationship.
Gottman’s Emotional Bank Account
1. 5:1 Ratio:
Gottman emphasises the importance of maintaining a high balance of positive over negative interactions. His research suggests that the ideal ratio for a healthy relationship is 5:1—five positive interactions for every negative one. This ideal ratio helps to ensure that any withdrawals are offset by the emotional reserves built from positive deposits. These positive interactions create a kind of emotional shield that can prevent conflict from hurting the relationship’s overall health. The 5:1 ratio demonstrates the importance of positivity in relationships, showing that partners need a surplus of positive moments to maintain a healthy emotional connection, especially when facing life’s challenges.
2. Turning Toward Emotional Bids:
Emotional bids are subtle requests for attention, connection, or emotional support that people make in their everyday interactions.
These bids can take many different forms. Bids might look like questions aimed at starting a conversation, like “Hey, how was your day?” or “Look at this funny meme I found.” Or they might be little kind gestures, loving facial expressions, or actions like a smile, a touch on the back, or physically leaning in to show focused interest.
Gottman found that partners who turn toward their partners’ bids are making deposits. Those who consistently and regularly ignore or reject their partner’s bids are making withdrawals, leading to a reduction in the emotional bank account.
3. Rituals of Connection:
Rituals of connection, such as shared daily routines, traditions, or affectionate gestures, play a significant role in maintaining an emotional reserve. These rituals act as regular deposits, reinforcing emotional bonds and providing a sense of stability in the relationship. Some common examples could be:
Saying “good morning babe” or
sharing a dinner together at the table every evening,
a morning coffee spent together,
an after dinner TV series you watch together,
a regular date night where the focus is on reconnecting and prioritising the relationship
or a silly handshake or phrase that you both laugh about in jest.
Rituals of connection help maintain the emotional bond between partners especially during busy or tense periods. They create a sense of safety, reliability and consistency, making the relationship feel more protected and supported.
Gottman’s Emotional Bank Account concept may help explain why some relationships thrive while others stumble. Based on his decades of research, Gottman discovered that partners who maintain a healthy emotional bank account tend to experience longer lasting and more fulfilling relationships.
As previously stated, the good news is that our small, daily interactions with each other have more of an impact than occasional grand gestures. The relationship’s emotional bank account grows gradually through these consistent, positive deposits. The research shows that couples who have a surplus of positive interactions are better equipped to face life’s inevitable challenges together, whereas those with fewer positive exchanges are more likely to struggle with dissatisfaction, emotional distance, relationship instability and insecurity, and conflict.
Conclusion
Gottman’s Emotional Bank Account acts as a powerful metaphor to explain how relationships are supported and nurtured over time. It highlights the importance of small, frequent gestures of kindness, emotional sensitivity, and effective communication in fostering the necessary feelings of trust and safety that are required to maintain a long-standing healthy relationship.
By Carlie Kowald
