Blurring Boundaries: Setting respectful limits with your parents and your in-laws

A wonderful part of having the privilege of an extended family is ideally having the presence of parents and/or parents-in-law, whose presence provides the opportunity for additional wisdom, advice, love, care and practical support. But occasionally, the presence of parents (and parents in law) – and the extra unsolicited opinion or two - can interrupt the harmony and consistency when it comes to topics such as parenting choices, the division of household tasks and marital dynamics.  

For a lot of people setting boundaries with others can feel confronting and uncomfortable as it is - let alone if it’s your devoted ‘helpful’ parents or parents-in-law. However, setting boundaries in relationships is an essential part of ensuring mutually respectful long-term relationships. It may feel rude, disrespectful or wrong to establish limits with your child’s grandparents and your parents/parents in law, but setting clear expectations and boundaries is a necessity in any healthy relationship. Without boundaries, we can feel disrespected, silenced and resentful, which may ultimately damage the relationship over time.

Common Examples of Boundary Blurring:

o   Unsolicited marital advice

o   Unsolicited parenting advice

o   Commenting on your partner negatively

o   Coming over unannounced

o   Feeding your child foods you don’t agree with  

o   Not following child’s regular routine as requested

o   Overstepping in practical tasks

So what are some ways to go about setting healthy and respectful boundaries with your parents and/or parents-in-law?

Speak with Appreciation

Start the conversation by expressing gratitude and love. This helps create a safe, respectful atmosphere and lowers defensiveness.

Example: "We really appreciate everything you do and the love you show our family. It means so much to us."

This approach aligns with Gottman’s principle of "expressing appreciation," helping to build kindness before addressing more difficult topics.

Communicate Your Needs with ‘I’ Statements

Focus on expressing your own feelings and needs rather than placing blame.

Example: "I feel overwhelmed by unplanned visits, and I’d love to have time to prepare so we can enjoy our time together more."

This keeps the conversation centered on your perspective and reduces defensiveness.

Clear and Direct Communication

Avoid vague language that could lead to misunderstandings. Be straightforward about your needs and wants.

Example: "We’d love for you to visit, but we need at least a day's notice to ensure it fits with our schedule."

Clear communication shows respect and helps prevent future conflict and misunderstanding.

Validate, Validate, Validate

Acknowledge their emotions to show you understand and care about their perspective.

Example: "I know it’s difficult not seeing the kids as often as you’d like. We really value your relationship with them and want to make visits meaningful."

Validation fosters empathy and reflects Gottman’s principle of emotional attunement.

Provide Other Alternatives

Presenting alternative options shows flexibility and a willingness to compromise.

Example: "If a last-minute visit isn’t possible, would a weekly Facetime be a good way to stay connected?"

This maintains your boundary while offering another option to nurture the quality of the relationship.

Consistency is Key
Consistency is so important when setting effective boundaries. It may take them some time to modify their behaviours, but if a boundary is crossed, just gently but firmly repeat your needs and wants.

Example: "We really appreciate how much you care, but we need to stick to the plan that we discussed. It helps keep things consistent for the kids."

Take a Break

If emotions start to escalate during discussion, try to pause and state you will revisit the conversation later.

Example: "It seems like we’re both feeling a bit overwhelmed. Let’s take some time and talk again when things feel calmer. Let’s come back in 20 minutes to try again”.

This approach aligns with Gottman’s practice of "taking breaks" to ensure emotional safety

Finally, Boundaries Aren’t Barriers, They’re About Respectful Balance

Setting boundaries with appreciation, kindness and clarity builds better relationship bonds. It fosters mutual respect and creates a balanced, healthy environment for all generations. It’s not just about having a relationship with parents or parents-in-law, it is ideally about having a healthy and respectful relationship together.

Remember boundaries aren’t barriers, they’re our guide to foster positive and sustainable relationships.

By approaching these conversations with genuine empathy, gratitude, and consistency, you can foster a relationship based on a deeper understanding with each other, respecting differences and create lasting reciprocity with the parents in your life.

By Carlie Kowald

Riding the wave of flooding, together.

What is Flooding?

Physiological and emotional ‘flooding’ is an intense bodily stress response that can be sparked by interpersonal conflict, and involves the release of adrenaline, causing an increased heart rate, muscle tenseness and diminished cognitive and verbal processing.

Flooding is a surge of very intense emotions that can quickly feel overwhelming and overpowering. In this heightened state, your brain and body can become overstimulated and feel the need to shut down or fight back. It can be extremely difficult to wrangle your emotions or think clearly and rationally. Ultimately, it can cause us to go into a flight, fight, or freeze mode.

For couples, this can result in heightened hostility, miscommunication, and emotional stonewalling. However, by identifying the early signs of flooding (both individually and as a couple), and employing effective coping strategies, partners can support one another and strengthen their relationship. Here’s how to ride the emotion wave as a team.

Recognising the Signs of Emotional Flooding

Emotional flooding looks different from person to person:

• Feeling overwhelmed by emotion

• Difficulty in thinking rationally

• Urge to make quick or irrational decisions

• Racing thoughts

• Crying (verge of tears)

• Urge to flee or escape

• Increased heart rate 

• Breathing pattern changes

• Stomach sensations – fluttery, knot, dread

• Sweating or flushed feeling

• Shaky or jittery

• Zoning out

• Shutting down

Riding the wave together…

1.Notice the early signs of flooding

Recognising physiological flooding in both yourself and your partner, is the first step in addressing it effectively.

If you notice that you or your partner are beginning to feel overwhelmed and flooded, it’s ideal to acknowledge these early warning signs. Depending on the situation you could consider a comforting action like a gentle touch or validating nod of agreement to convey unity and acknowledgement without adding to the tension.  

Read more about Psychological Flooding: Understanding and Managing Overwhelming Emotions

2.Pausing to Regulate and Reset

If we miss the opportunity to pause during flooding, we can run the risk of exacerbating the emotional distress and risk of miscommunicating. Research shows that a minimum of 20 minutes allows the body time to return to a more regulated state. Try to choose an engaging and enjoyable activity to reset and regulate yourself. It’s crucial to avoid fixating on the conflict while taking a break; instead, focus on relaxation rather than replaying the conflict on loop. Ultimately, both partners need to commit to continuing the discussion once they feel calmer and more in control, therefore allowing the conversation to continue with a clearer direction and purpose.

Need some ideas? Click here for a Fun Activities Catalogue

3.Develop Self-Regulation Skills

Successfully managing physiological flooding requires practices that help regulate the nervous system and increase emotional stability. Try practicing controlled breathing, progressive muscle relaxation or grounding exercises. Spend time consciously reframing the conflict within your own perspective, moving from opposition to teamwork, and reminding both of you that you are working together to resolve the issue, rather than opposing against each other.

Click here for Breathing Exercises for Anxiety: 9 Techniques for Stress-Relief

 4. Reengage in the Conversation with a Constructive Approach

Once both partners have regained emotional equilibrium and the flooding has passed, returning to the conversation with a collaborative mindset is key. Using healthy communication scripts such as “I” statements (e.g., “I felt upset when…”) rather than blaming statements (“You always…”) helps promote understanding instead of defensiveness. Finally, cooperating together on compromises and joint solutions allows both partners to approach the issue as a shared challenge, learn from the conflict, and continue to work together on reducing the instances of flooding again in the future.

Read more about I Statements vs You Statements: Effective Communication Tips

Conclusion

When couples can catch the flooding warning signs early, pause and regulate, take effective breaks (minimum 20 mins), and reunite to reframe the flooding conflict, they are able to transform moments of complete overwhelm into opportunities for deeper understanding and emotional connection.

By: Carlie Kowald

Savouring the Season of Summer

Summers have a magical way of promoting some of our most memorable relationship moments and memories. With longer, sun filled days, warm humid evenings, and ideally the chance to slow down for a week or two over the holidays, the summer season can provide an idyllic background for partners to connect and create significant moments together, with a focus on quality time.  

Summer Loving

Summer allows us to strip things back to the basics and enjoy the simple pleasures. By creating intimate moments together like making sandcastles, exploring new beaches, picnics in the park, putting the sprinkler on for the kids, or flopping down on the lounge together watching summer sport on TV. Hosting backyard barbecues with friends and family can create joy, ease, laughter and connection. Relaxed evenings spent on the deck, sipping cool drinks together and watching the sunset, serve as restful reminders of the beauty in slowing down and enjoying one another’s company.

It’s often in these modest moments that couples find themselves reconnecting in lighthearted and joy filled ways. I mean, when else are you likely to have sandy toes and a dripping ice cream cone or juicy watermelon in hand!

The Importance of Quality Time

Spending quality time together with your partner deepens emotional intimacy, assists with healthy communication, and strengthens the attachment between partners. One important aspect of quality time is the ‘quality’ part of it.

It’s not just about ‘being’ together in a physical space, it’s about ‘being’ together in an emotionally connected space. It’s about intentional action where both partners feel appreciated and valued. By dedicating time and attention to each other, couples can create more meaningful shared experiences and show observable commitment to their relationship.

Communication Boost

In the busyness of our life in 2025, with the many, many distractions and competing demands, the importance of true quality time spent together is invaluable. To just chat, without an agenda, to simply sit and talk together promotes deep connection and a true sense of prioritising the togetherness of the moment. It shows your partner that they are important and what they have to say is important to you. This helps to reduce bubbling disputes, fosters openness and trust, and creates a secure environment where both partners can feel that their voices are received and respected.

Our actions speak louder than words. Do you want to show your partner that they are important? By prioritising quality time as an activity, it shows a clear expression of your commitment. It is evidence that the relationship is valued and worth nurturing, despite life’s competing distractions, demands and disruptions. It is a display of love and care. Ensuring that you make time for each other remains one of the most impactful ways to foster and maintain a trustworthy and meaningful relationship.

Savouring The Season Of Summer

The idea of "savouring the season of summer" in a partnership refers to embracing the simplicity, lightness, and warmth that summer symbolises, both literally and metaphorically. It reminds partners to value the significance and beauty of shared moments, whether they involve small activities like enjoying a walk together or simply being present for each other. By focusing on these modest but meaningful experiences, couples can build their emotional attachments and strengthen the connection that holds them during tough times.

Symbolically, summer represents a season of joy, relaxation, and fun within a relationship, a time when the connection feels natural, playful, and energetic. By leaning into this "season," couples can further develop their intentional quality time, shared goals, and mutual appreciation for each other. These actions help to strengthen the foundation of the relationship, building trust and a sense of safety for both partners.

Strengthening The Foundations For Winter

This perspective reminds couples of the importance of slowing down, valuing downtime together, and nurturing emotional intimacy. It encourages them to hold onto the "summer" moments in their relationship—the times of love, ease, lightness, connection, and togetherness—as a foundation of strength and reassurance during the inevitable “colder”, harsher seasons of life that we all face.

By Carlie Kowald

A Love Letter: The Twinkle of Christmas

Dearest Love,

As Christmas fast approaches, and the craziness of the year accelerates, scheduling events, preparing endless communal food platters, juggling budgets, and attempting the delicate balancing act of both family and friends, I want to promise us both that I will try to hold onto the magic this time of year can offer. I choose not to allow the franticness to overwhelm me but to try my hardest to stop, savour and see – truly see, the gorgeousness this time of year can hold if we let it.

For me I want to notice the twinkling neighbourhood lights, the orchestra of cicadas, the warm humid air, the sound of kids squealing in backyard pools and to stop to truly soak it all in. Just pausing momentarily to notice and appreciate. I remind myself of why this time of year can feel busy and pressured – because it’s important, because it’s exciting, because it’s an excuse to eat deliciously well, to give ourselves a much-needed break and to prioritise spending time with the people we choose.

With you, Christmas is so much more than just a festivity - it’s a feeling. It’s a shared experience. It wouldn’t be the same with you. This Christmas, I hope we can savour all the little wonderful moments together—the glittering glow of our faithful old tree, the peacefulness once home after another busy event, the simplicity of a shared meal together. I choose to walk hand in hand with you through this Christmas, strengthening the silly little traditions we have and maybe even creating new ones that could be uniquely ours.

This Christmas I choose to be mindful with my words, my actions and my presence so that I’m showing you how truly I value you, especially during a time that’s meant to bring us joy and contentment, not stress and exhaustion.

I choose to listen and step up to help when I can. I know this holiday time can be frantic, and I promise to do my part to support you as best I can to make plans and preparations, take care of essential errands, or to be your sounding board on decisions running through your mind.

I want this season to be a shared experience for both of us, bringing together what brings us both happiness. I choose to listen to what matters most to you, whether it’s our family traditions, summer holiday plans, or having quiet moments of stillness, I want to pay attention to what is most important to you.

The busyness of the holidays and clashing events can sometimes create moments of tension and stress, but I promise to communicate with kindness, even during demanding times. My Christmas goal is to bring you peaceful support, not added burdens.

I want to help you to protect your peace as I know saying no can be tricky for you, so if you need stillness, space, down time, or even help declining an event, know that I choose to respect your needs, and your boundaries. Your comfort is my priority, and I’d never want you to feel overwhelmed or obligated unnecessarily.

I choose to make this holiday full of twinkly love, gifts of compassion, all wrapped up in Christmas kindness and consideration. I hope to make simple but warm memories together that we can treasure forever. With all my heart,

From Me.

What we say to each other without words

“Eyes are the window to the soul”

“Actions speak louder than words”

“I can see how you truly feel about that”

The Power and Impact of Non-Verbal Communication in Romantic Relationships

Non-verbal communication is the action of expressing our emotions and true reactions without the use of verbal words. It involves various forms of visual signals, such as facial expressions, body language, posture, eye contact, tone of voice, and physical touch. These signals convey our feelings and intentions often more openly than words. As an innate and universal form of communication across many countries, continents and cultures, non-verbal communication allows people to connect with each other without the use of a shared dialect or verbal language. Because of the universality of non-verbal communication it can help romantic partners connect on a deeper emotional level, by encouraging and deepening intimacy and trust.

Non-verbal signals also play a crucial role during conflicts and can either serve as being unhelpful or helpful to the conflict depending on how aware we are of our body language. Using gentle eye contact and leaning in to listen attentively can help reduce tension and show a willingness to resolve concerns. With awareness and knowledge of each other’s non-verbal communication, couples can build more satisfying and fulfilling relationships.

CONTEMPT

Non-Verbal Communication of Contempt

Contemptuous non-verbal behaviour usually shows itself in facial or physical expressions that communicate disdain, superiority, or a general lack of respect. When exhibited in our romantic relationships, this behaviour is corrosive to the safety, trust and quality of the relationship. Non-verbal cues can communicate a range of negative emotions and attitudes, often intensifying conflict or misunderstanding in interactions.

Examples of contemptuous non-verbal communication:

• Sneering, where one side of the mouth is raised, conveying disdain

• Sarcasm uses a taunting tone to belittle

• A shrug of the shoulders trivialises the situation, signalling indifference

• An eye roll demonstrates judgment or dismissiveness

• Smirking suggests superiority or mockery

• Tilting the head back, or looking down the nose, conveys dominance

• A raised eyebrow can imply doubt or arrogance

• An exaggerated sigh indicates irritation or impatience

• Behaviours like scoffing, a curt laugh or noise, and leaning back physically, show an attempt to distance oneself, further creating disconnection

• Turning away, purposely avoiding eye contact, or pointing fingers can signal indifference, disrespect, or aggression

• Mocking or mimicking increases intimidation and demeans the other partner, undermining mutual respect and a sense of safety

Contemptuous non-verbal behaviour is especially harmful in romantic relationships because it communicates disrespect and a lack of empathy. This leaves the other partner feeling dismissed and devalued.

AVOIDENCE

Avoidant and Disengaged Non-Verbal Communication

Avoidant non-verbal communication is characterised by behaviours that convey a partner’s discomfort and withdrawal, showing a want to avoid conversation, confrontation, or emotion. This detached communication style often reveals a partner’s attempt to protect themselves from vulnerability or disagreement.

Below are examples of avoidant non-verbal behaviours:

• Quick glances and/or an expressionless face, show a lack of emotional connection.

• Automatic head nods, tightened lips, and minimal movements indicate suppressed reactions or a reluctance to engage

• Closed posture, crossed arms, along with turning or leaning away, creates physical and emotional barriers

• Behaviours like fidgeting, frequent blinking, and a monotone voice often reflect nervousness or disinterest

• Avoiding eye contact, one-word answers, or stopping mid-sentence show a reluctance to participate in the conversation

• Maintaining unnecessary physical distance, avoiding attempts to touch/soothe, or positioning near exits communicates a desire to withdraw

• Distracted frequent glances and extended pauses add to the feeling of detachment

• Subtle signs like a tensed jaw indicate internal stress or an attempt at restraint

These avoidance behaviours may impair a partner’s perceived warmth and perceived willingness to repair conflict effectively. Recognising and addressing these non-verbal behaviours can help promote more reciprocal and positive communication increasing trust and a sense of emotional safety within the relationship.  

HEALTHY

Healthy Non-Verbal Couples Communication

Healthy and connected non-verbal communication signals attentiveness, sincerity, and a genuine connection between partners. They allow the other partner to feel seen, heard and accepted.

Below are examples of healthy and engaged non-verbal communication:

• Genuine smiles and relaxed facial features create an atmosphere of openness, acceptance and emotional availability

• Active listening expressions such as nods, expressive eyes, raised eyebrows show engagement and connection

• Sustained, comfortable eye contact and glancing at your partner show respect and focus

• Positioning your body directly toward them with open posture shows curiosity

• Delicate gestures like leaning in, supportive touch, and maintaining a comfortable distance emphasise interest and connection while respecting personal boundaries

• Matching emotions to follow with the tone of the conversation helps it to feel authentic and dynamic

• Appropriate pauses and connected silence used carefully and thoughtfully allows for reflection and emotional processing

• Brief expressions of emotion such as smiles, or a softening gentle gaze show genuine engagement and focus

Healthy and engaged non-verbal communication promotes care, compassion, and a sense of mutual respect. It shows a partner’s true emotional presence and connection, which when used positively helps to build more intimate and fulfilling relationships and emotional interactions.

Next time your partner is communicating with you on something important to them, be gently curious of what your posture, eyes and nonverbal communication is ‘saying’ to them. Actions really do speak louder than words.

WATCH: 6-minute video summarising non-verbal communication

By: Carlie Kowald

References:

Contempt Facial Expression: Unveiling the Power of Nonverbal Communication | A Simplified Psychology Guide, 2022.

https://www.powerofpositivity.com/5-reasons-non-verbal-communication-is-so-important-in-intimacy/

OpenAI, 2024.

https://www.verywellmind.com/types-of-nonverbal-communication-2795397

Coping with Grief Together

Grief is our natural reaction to a significant meaningful loss, which is most often accompanied by emotions such as sadness, anger, resentment, confusion, and numbness. Grief occurs when we lose someone or something significant to us, be it a person, pet, job, relationship or a major life event that never eventuated.  The process of grieving varies from partner to partner, person to person, and often unfolds in stages with the process allowing for mourning and then over time gradually coming to terms with the loss.

Grief can place considerable stress on both partners, as the emotional turbulence and vulnerability it brings may lead to distance or miscommunication in the relationship. However, by facing grief together, couples have the chance to strengthen their emotional connection, offer mutual support, and grow stronger as a team. Coping with grief as a team requires open communication, empathy, patience, and emotional resilience.

“Your memory feels like home to me. So whenever my mind wanders, it always finds its way back to you.”

- Ranata Suzuki

Common Phases of Grief

The phases of grief are often referred to as the "Five Stages of Grief,” and this concept was originally introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. The 5 stages of grief are:

Bargaining: Trying to negotiate or make deals (often with a higher power) to reverse the loss.

Anger: Frustration or fury about the loss, often asking "Why me?" or “Why them?

Denial: Difficulty accepting the reality of the loss, feeling detached or numb.

Depression: Deep sadness over the loss, feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

Acceptance: Coming to terms with the loss.

It’s important to note that although they are named ‘stages’, these are not experienced in a specified order, each stage may last for a different amount of time, or be more or less intense than others, and not everyone necessarily goes through all 5 of the stages. The process of grief is an unpredictable, messy and non-linear one. Grieving is unique to each person and partner.

Allowing for Individual Grief Responses

One of the first challenges that grieving partners may face is the realisation that everyone processes their loss differently. It's helpful to remind each other that grief is a deeply personal and unique experience. Supportive partners will aim to accept and acknowledge each other's individual grief behaviours and coping strategies without harsh criticism and judgment. Your partner may show signs of emotional grief, pragmatic/practical grief, physical grief, avoidant grief or intellectualised grief.

A common example we would see in couples counselling would be where one partner may need to express their feelings through conversation and de-briefing, while the other partner finds that too overwhelming and needs stillness and solitude. Some partners may withdraw, others might seek more affection and care than usual, while some may turn to distractions such as work, socialising or exercise as a coping mechanism.  Honest and compassionate conversations about each partner’s preferred way of handling their grief can help avoid misunderstandings, personalisation, helplessness and feelings of rejection.

“Your grief path is yours alone, and no one else can walk it, and no one else can understand it.”

-  Terri Irwin

Shared Grief Rituals

One meaningful way partners can cope with grief together is by creating shared rituals of healing. These can be little, small acts, such as lighting a candle to honour the memory of the person lost, cooking a treasured recipe together, visiting a special place together, planting a meaningful flower in the garden, or talking over dinner each night about when grief rolled in for each other that day. It is in the sharing of these rituals that can provide a sense of togetherness and bonding through the grief.

These shared grief rituals can provide both emotional and psychological benefits to each of the partners by fostering a sense of deep connection, offering some structure in a time of change and confusion. These little rituals can speak loudly of your support and care for your partner and serve as heartfelt reminders that although life may never be the same after such a significant loss, together the partnership can find ways to still have connection, meaning, safety and comfort.

Balanced Boundaries in Grief  

On the flipside of this, whilst grief can be shared and supported by our partners in love, it is also crucial to remember that not all partners are ready to, or able to, share their grief with their partners in this way.  One partner may prefer solitude to journal, read, research or meditate without feeling the need to constantly involve the other partner. It is essential that both partners respect each other’s boundaries when it comes to personal grief work.

By allowing for these individual boundaries this helps to ensure that neither partner feels pressure or expectation to ‘heal’ or ‘fix’ the other’s grief. Furthermore, it is not uncommon for one partner to feel the pressure of being the ‘strong stoic one’ while the other grieves openly. However, in a healthy relationship, both partners would allow themselves to be vulnerable and ask for help when they need it. This may involve acknowledging that professional counseling, grief support groups or grief therapy is necessary to help process the depth of their grief.

“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.”

- Vicki Harrison

Conclusion

Living with grief can be hard enough to navigate as an individual, and being in a relationship has the potential to make grief even more complex, however as we’ve discussed, grieving both as an individual partner, and, together as a partnership can allow grief to present as an opportunity for growth and connection.

When we can allow for individual differences, use open gentle communication, and support each other with empathy, partners can navigate the challenges of grief together. Through compassion, patience, shared rituals, and a commitment to healing, relationships can not only survive grief as a team but emerge stronger and more connected. Grief, though painful, can ultimately bring partners closer together as they learn to lean on each other through life’s most complex moments.

"Love is really the only thing we can possess, keep with us, and take with us."

-Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

By Carlie Kowald

All Relationships Have An Emotional Bank Account

Gottman’s Emotional Bank Account is a psychological metaphor created by Dr. John Gottman; a prominent researcher best known for his studies on relationships.

Gottman’s Emotional Bank Account uses the symbolism of a ‘bank account’ to explain how interactions between partners signify a ‘deposit’ or a ‘withdrawal’ in the relationship ‘account’. By consistently making positive deposits and avoiding unnecessary withdrawals, the metaphor shows how couples can build a healthy emotional reserve that helps to sustain them through inevitable relationship challenges. Gottman’s metaphor of the Emotional Bank

Account offers a deeper understanding of how everyday interactions with our partners can significantly impact the long-term stability of the relationship.

Building a Healthy Emotional Bank Account

The good news is that the actions required to build your wealth in your relationship’s Emotional Bank Account can be our daily, small, everyday moments and do not necessarily need to be grand gestures that require lots of time/energy/money to enact. Instead, our Emotional Bank Account is gradually built over time through our everyday moments of connection or disconnection. When partners can gift little acts of kindness, empathy, affection, and understanding, they are then making deposits into each other’s emotional accounts.

Deposits:

Small, positive acts, showing our gratitude, saying thank you, showing affection, active listening, and providing support during tough times, are deposits.

These actions, although small and simple, and seemingly insignificant on the surface, build up over time and contribute to a strong sense of safety and trust between partners.

Withdrawals:

Adverse behaviors, such as criticism, stonewalling, overlooking emotional bids, or speaking with contempt, are withdrawals to the emotional bank account. Over time, these repeated seemingly minor actions reduce the sense of safety, fondness, and trust within the relationship.

Gottman’s Emotional Bank Account

1. 5:1 Ratio:

Gottman emphasises the importance of maintaining a high balance of positive over negative interactions. His research suggests that the ideal ratio for a healthy relationship is 5:1—five positive interactions for every negative one. This ideal ratio helps to ensure that any withdrawals are offset by the emotional reserves built from positive deposits. These positive interactions create a kind of emotional shield that can prevent conflict from hurting the relationship’s overall health. The 5:1 ratio demonstrates the importance of positivity in relationships, showing that partners need a surplus of positive moments to maintain a healthy emotional connection, especially when facing life’s challenges.

2. Turning Toward Emotional Bids:

Emotional bids are subtle requests for attention, connection, or emotional support that people make in their everyday interactions.

These bids can take many different forms. Bids might look like questions aimed at starting a conversation, like “Hey, how was your day?” or “Look at this funny meme I found.” Or they might be little kind gestures, loving facial expressions, or actions like a smile, a touch on the back, or physically leaning in to show focused interest.

Gottman found that partners who turn toward their partners’ bids are making deposits. Those who consistently and regularly ignore or reject their partner’s bids are making withdrawals, leading to a reduction in the emotional bank account.

3. Rituals of Connection:

Rituals of connection, such as shared daily routines, traditions, or affectionate gestures, play a significant role in maintaining an emotional reserve. These rituals act as regular deposits, reinforcing emotional bonds and providing a sense of stability in the relationship. Some common examples could be:

• Saying “good morning babe” or

• sharing a dinner together at the table every evening,

• a morning coffee spent together,

• an after dinner TV series you watch together,

• a regular date night where the focus is on reconnecting and prioritising the relationship

• or a silly handshake or phrase that you both laugh about in jest.

Rituals of connection help maintain the emotional bond between partners especially during busy or tense periods. They create a sense of safety, reliability and consistency, making the relationship feel more protected and supported.

Gottman’s Emotional Bank Account concept may help explain why some relationships thrive while others stumble. Based on his decades of research, Gottman discovered that partners who maintain a healthy emotional bank account tend to experience longer lasting and more fulfilling relationships.

As previously stated, the good news is that our small, daily interactions with each other have more of an impact than occasional grand gestures. The relationship’s emotional bank account grows gradually through these consistent, positive deposits. The research shows that couples who have a surplus of positive interactions are better equipped to face life’s inevitable challenges together, whereas those with fewer positive exchanges are more likely to struggle with dissatisfaction, emotional distance, relationship instability and insecurity, and conflict.

Conclusion

Gottman’s Emotional Bank Account acts as a powerful metaphor to explain how relationships are supported and nurtured over time. It highlights the importance of small, frequent gestures of kindness, emotional sensitivity, and effective communication in fostering the necessary feelings of trust and safety that are required to maintain a long-standing healthy relationship.

By Carlie Kowald

Understanding abusive Behaviour in Relationships

Understanding the types of abusive behaviour in romantic relationships is crucial in attempting to address and prevent its occurrence in our communities. Abusive behaviour in romantic relationships is a pervasive issue that affects individuals across various lifestyles, and does not discriminate on age, gender, ethnicity, or socio-economic background. Abusive behaviours are seen in a range of actions and behaviours that exert power and control over another person, resulting in psychological, emotional and sometimes physical harm.

Types of Abusive Behavior

Abusive behaviour can be seen in several forms, including emotional, psychological, sexual, financial abuse and coercive control.

1. Emotional and Psychological Abuse: This can involve intimidation, manipulation, threats, all aimed to undermine a partner’s self-worth and mental health. It can include criticism, insults, gaslighting (making their partner doubt their own reality), isolation from their friends and family, and controlling behaviour such as what they can and can’t wear.

2. Financial Abuse: This can occur if a partner’s access to financial resources is restricted, overly monitored or completely controlled. This results in the partner being financially dependent on the abuser and limits their ability to be independent, have autonomy, make financial decisions, access resources and supplies and ultimately be able to leave the relationship. Often this can be also done by restricting access to bank accounts or preventing the partner from working.

3. Physical Abuse: This can include any unwanted physical force or contact from hitting, slapping, punching, shoving, pinching, choking, or using weapons. Physical assaults often escalate over time with the partner increasing severity and frequency of violence.

4. Sexual Abuse: Sexual abuse in relationships involves any non-consensual sexual act or behaviour. This can include marital or relationship rape, coerced sexual acts, and any form of sexual exploitation. Full consent is still required despite your marriage status or length of relationship.

5. Coercive Control: Sometimes abusive tactics in a relationship are subtle and difficult to identify, but insults, manipulation, and intimidation can all be part of what’s known as coercive control. “Coercive” is a term that implies the use of threats or force. In a relationship setting, coercive control can refer to ‘any pattern of oppressive, dominating behaviour that uses harm to steer your thoughts, feelings, and actions. While coercive control is often seen through forms of emotional abuse in intimate partner settings, it can also involve the use of physical force’. From 1 July 2024, coercive control is a criminal offence in NSW when a person uses abusive behaviours towards a current or former intimate partner with the intention to coerce or control them. The criminal offence captures repeated patterns of physical or non- physical abuse used to hurt, scare, intimidate, threaten or control someone.

   To find out more about the NSW Government new law, strategies and services dealing with coercive control please click here: Criminalising coercive control in NSW |Communities and Justice

The Cycle of Abuse

Abusive relationships often follow a cyclical pattern, commonly referred to as the “cycle of abuse”; This cycle consists of four stages: tension building, incident, reconciliation, and calm.

1. Tension Building: Stress and strain start to build. The abuser may become irritable, agitated, edgy, angry, or withdrawn, while the romantic partner may try to please or avoid the abuser to prevent an outburst.

2. Explosion: The tension erupts in an abusive incident, which may be physical, emotional or verbal abuse. The abuser releases their built-up tension through abusive actions.

3. Repair/Remorse: After the abuse incident, the abuser may apologise, offer excuses, or even try to blame their partner for ‘provoking the abuse’. They may also use humour, affection, promises to change, or buying gifts to win back the victim’s trust.

4. Calm: The abuser may act as if nothing happened, and the partner may hope that the abuse has finally ended. However, we know that this period of calm is most often temporary, because the fundamental problems remain unresolved, and the cycle will eventually activate again.

Barriers to Leaving

Leaving an abusive relationship is incredibly difficult due to various factors:

• Fear of retaliation

• Fear of unknown

• Love for partner

• Hope for change

• Financial dependency

• Concern for children

• Lack of support (often due to social isolation)

• Low self-esteem (often due to psychological abuse/manipulation)

• Social and cultural shame (often blame themselves for the abuse, or divorce not culturally supported).

• Lack of good resources and services available

  Abusive behaviour in relationships is a serious issue that requires awareness, understanding, and intervention. The barriers to leaving an abusive relationship are abundant and complex, often woven together in ways that make it extremely difficult for romantic partners to leave. It is essential for us to not minimise the complexity of the challenges that romantic partners face and to provide a supportive environment around them, which can empower them to leave abusive relationships safely and rebuild their lives when they are ready.

For more information:

Domestic and family violence | 1800RESPECT

Domestic, family and sexual violence | Communities and Justice (nsw.gov.au)

What is domestic and family violence? | Family Violence Law Help

What is domestic and family violence? (lifeline.org.au)

By Carlie Kowald