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Social media has made it common to label a hurtful or selfish partner, ex-partner, parent, boss or friend as "a narcissist." While some people certainly display narcissistic behaviours, true Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is far less common than many people realise.
At MM, we regularly work with individuals and couples trying to understand confusing relationship dynamics. Clients often ask, "Do you think my partner is a narcissist?"
"Am I overreacting?"
"Where do I even start?"
Many of our MM parents describe having a sense that something may be different about their child's development or behaviour long before they seek an assessment. They often notice that their child struggles with some aspects of socialising, finds transitions or change difficult, appears distractable and inattentive, has intense emotional reactions, or that they receive regular contact from the school about their behaviour or learning.
If you suspect your child may have Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), taking a structured approach can help you access the right support and information early on.
Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)
Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is a neurodevelopmental condition that affects how a child communicates, interacts socially, and experiences the world around them. Autism presents differently in every child and may include differences in social communication, sensory processing, routines, and interests.
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is a neurodevelopmental condition that affects attention, impulse control, activity levels, and emotional regulation. Children with ADHD may experience difficulties with focus, organisation, following instructions, and managing their behaviour across different settings.
Before starting the formal process, it can be helpful to keep notes about what you are noticing, ideally personalised examples of specific behaviours.
Social communication difficulties
Attention and concentration challenges
Hyperactivity or impulsivity
Emotional regulation difficulties
Sensory sensitivities
Learning concerns
Behavioural challenges
Sleep difficulties
Situations where concerns appear more or less noticeable
Teachers, preschool educators and childcare staff can offer important insights into how your child functions in different environments.
Questions to ask them may include:
How does my child compare with peers of a similar age?
Are there concerns regarding attention, learning or behaviour?
How does my child manage difficult social interactions?
Have any learning support strategies been recommended?
Because ASD and ADHD impact multiple areas of functioning, observations across different settings are an important part of assessment.
For most of our MM families, the recommended next step is booking an appointment with your General Practitioner to:
Discuss developmental concerns
Rule out medical factors that may contribute to symptoms
Provide referrals for assessments
Develop a Mental Health Treatment Plan if appropriate
Refer to paediatricians, psychiatrists or psychologists
It can be helpful to bring your observations, school reports and teacher feedback to this appointment.
Neurodiversity assessments are typically completed by a multidisciplinary team which may include:
Psychologists
Educational and developmental psychologists
Paediatricians
Speech pathologists
Occupational therapists
Psychiatrists
Assessment commonly includes:
Developmental history
Parent interviews
Standardised assessment tools
Direct observation of the child
School or teacher questionnaires
Comprehensive clinical interviews
Parent and teacher rating scales
Review of developmental and educational history
Screening for other mental health or learning concerns
It’s important to know that you do not need to wait for a diagnosis to begin supporting your child, which can be helpful while you are waiting on the often very long waitlists!
Many kids benefit from:
Psychology support
Occupational therapy
Speech pathology
Parent coaching
Emotional regulation programs
School-based supports
Early intervention focuses on building strengths, increasing confidence and supporting daily functioning.
Depending on your child's needs, some additional supports may be available through:
National Disability Insurance Scheme (NDIS)
Children with significant functional impairment associated with autism or other developmental disabilities may be eligible for NDIS support.
Useful resource:
https://www.ndis.gov.au
School Supports
Australian schools may provide:
Learning support services
Individual adjustments
Educational assessments
Wellbeing supports
Many parents worry about whether pursuing an assessment will result in their child being "labelled." A diagnosis does not change who your child is. Instead, an assessment can provide:
Greater understanding
Access to appropriate supports
Improved educational planning
Increased self-awareness
Reduced frustration for children and families
For many families, assessment brings clarity, validation and a pathway forward.
Raising Children Network
https://raisingchildren.net.au
Evidence-based information on child development, autism and ADHD.
Autism Awareness Australia
https://www.autismawareness.com.au
Resources, webinars and practical guidance for families.
ADHD Foundation Australia
https://adhdfoundation.org.au
Information about ADHD assessment, treatment and advocacy.
National Disability Insurance Scheme (NDIS)
https://www.ndis.gov.au
Information regarding eligibility and supports.
Amaze Autism Australia
https://www.amaze.org.au
Resources and support services for autistic individuals and families.
Content prepared by Carlie Kowald with editorial support from AI-assisted tools.
Our kids may not understand fully what depression is, but they can usually sense when something ‘isn’t right’. When a parent is struggling with depression, children can often notice far more than adults realise. Kids are perceptive at noticing these changes, even when no one in the home is acknowledging an issue or when a parent is denying anything is wrong.
In our MM clinical practice, most of our couples present with what appears to be a communication breakdown. Couples might report escalating arguments, emotional distancing, or a sense of brewing resentment. While learning new communication strategies can be helpful, they often do not address the deeper causes at play.
From an Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) lens, relationship distress is primarily about disconnection. Beneath the obvious conflict, there is usually an unmet attachment need. Partners are rarely arguing about just about content (eg. “the dirty dishes); they are instead reacting to a perceived threat to emotional safety and connection (“alone, unappreciated, unloved”).
Here are practical, research-informed skills that our MM couples can actually use in real time.
Neuroscientist Jill Bolte Taylor describes how the chemical surge of an emotional reaction lasts about 90 seconds (unless we keep feeding it with our thoughts).
Stop talking.
Put both feet flat on the ground.
Take 5 slow breaths.
Say: “I’m getting flooded. I need a minute.”
You are not abandoning the conversation.
You are preventing escalation.
Regulate before continuing further to avoid unnecessary conflicts.
Research from Dr. Sue Johnson shows that it is our vulnerability that connects us. Criticism separates us from each other.
Instead of:
“You never listen.”
Try:
“When I feel unheard, I start to panic a little.”
Instead of:
“You don’t ever help.”
Try:
“I need some reassurance right now.”
Under every sharp sentence is a softer one. In every harsh complaint there is a gentler longing for something. Practice finding it.
Dr. John Gottman found healthy couples maintain about five positive interactions for every negative one during conflict.
Positive does not mean grand gestures. It can be:
A gentle touch
A small smile
“I know we’re both tired.”
“We’re on the same team.”
“It’s ok, be patient with me, I’m trying to understand you”
Micro-moments of warmth lower threat levels and re-orients us back towards each other.
When you feel the familiar loop starting, interrupt it:
“I think we’re doing our thing again.”
“When I push, you shut down.”
“When you go quiet, I get louder.”
The goal is not to analyse or place blame.
It is to move from opponent mode to observer mode.
You and your partner versus the cycle.
Set a timer for 14 minutes.
7 minutes: Partner A speaks.
7 minutes: Partner B reflects back what they heard.
Final task to do together: Identify one small step forward, collaboratively.
When the timer ends, you stop. Even if unfinished.
This prevents marathon arguments that damage connection.
Instead of back and forth debating the content of an argument, instead ask:
“What does this mean to you?”
You may discover:
Money equals fear.
Sex equals closeness.
Housework equals respect.
Time alone equals survival.
Once their meaning is named, arguments can soften and combative conversations are reduced.
If you are noticing that resentment or distance is building, introduce a daily ritual:
Each evening, share one specific appreciation.
Not generic praise, be specific.
“I noticed you packed the lunches.”
“I loved that you backed me up today in front of the kids.”
“Thank you for checking in about my meeting.”
Positive sentiment must be actively built. It does not maintain itself.
Have this conversation when calm, ideally before having a tricky conversation:
“We know that when I get overwhelmed, I tend to withdraw.”
“When I feel distance from you, I will try to pursue.”
Then collaboratively agree on your signals to look out for.
Example:
If one partner tends to withdraw, they say: “I’m not leaving. I just need 15 minutes.”
If one has a tendency to pursue, they say: “I’m not attacking. I’m anxious.”
Help each other overcome the familiar patterns of conflict.
Healthy couples are not conflict-free. They are usually great at repairs though!
Repairs can sound like:
“That came out wrong.”
“Can we restart?”
“I’m getting defensive.”
“I care about you even though we disagree.”
Tiny resets mid conflict, mid conversation can prevent big fractures.
If you feel like you and your partner are fighting about the same things repeatedly, this does not mean that your relationship is doomed. The goal of relationship counselling skills is not to eliminate conflict completely; it is to argue in a way that leaves the relationship intact. Conflict when it is managed well does not weaken or damage the relationship. At MM, we like to think of conflict being able to strengthen the bridge to each other, instead of burning it to the ground! For more information check out our website.
By Carlie Kowald
Many of our MM couples enter therapy feeling frustrated and discouraged, having each other that they would not revisit the same old argument again and again. Yet the conflict re-emerges with familiar themes, emotional tone, and unfortunately outcomes.
It is common for partners to conclude that they have a major communication problem, often stating, “We just don’t communicate well.” While communication difficulties may be present, recurrent conflict is rarely driven by the surface issue alone. More often, it reflects entrenched patterns shaped by attachment dynamics, emotional regulation styles, and unmet relationship needs operating beneath each other’s awareness.
Without addressing these underlying psychological processes, couples can find themselves restarting the same cycle of conflict, regardless of the topic at the time (housework, driving style, spending habits, parenting styles, the list goes on).
Research by John Gottman indicates that nearly 69% of relationship conflict is perpetual rather than solvable. These recurring disagreements are typically rooted in differences in personality, attachment needs, values, or lifestyle preferences, not in the surface issue itself.
For example, one partner may value routine while the other prefers flexibility. One may seek frequent reassurance, while the other prioritises independence. One may want to resolve issues immediately, while the other needs time and space. These differences reflect temperament, not dysfunction.
When couples attempt to “win” these disagreements rather than understand them, the conflict repeats. Arguments about dishes, laundry, or taking out the bins are rarely about the tasks themselves. More often, they represent deeper concerns such as fairness, reliability, autonomy, or feeling valued.
Sue Johnson, who developed Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), explains that most repeating arguments in relationships aren’t really about the surface issue, they’re about attachment fears and wounds.
Underneath the fight, each partner may be asking themselves: Do I matter to you? Am I safe with you? Will you be there when I need you? These fears are usually unspoken, but they drive a lot of the undercurrent of tension.
Usually, this plays out in a familiar cycle: one partner pursues or protests, expressing frustration or criticism, while the other withdraws to protect themselves from overwhelm. The more one pushes, the more the other pulls away, creating a repeating loop.
It can look like one partner is critical and the other cold, but really, both are protecting something vulnerable. The pursuer is trying to maintain connection; the withdrawer is trying to manage emotional intensity. Neither is “wrong”, it is the cycle itself is the real challenge.
When conflict escalates, the body enters a physiological threat response. The amygdala becomes highly active, heart rate increases, and cortisol levels rise. Extensive research by John Gottman indicates that once heart rate exceeds approximately 100 beats per minute, cognitive ability for unbiased problem-solving declines significantly. At this point, interactions are no longer guided by rational discussion but by a protective, instinctual response.
This physiological state explains why individuals may say harsh things, why logical reasoning diminishes, and why recurring conflict patterns tend to repeat. The nervous system responds more rapidly than rational thinking, often overriding attempts at constructive communication.
Research shows that cyclical conflict can be reduced with several evidence-based strategies:
When emotion is high, it is recommended to pause for at least 20 minutes. This pause is not intended as avoidance, but as an opportunity for the nervous system to return to a regulated state, thereby supporting more constructive engagement. Breathwork, movement, music or journalling may be helpful.
Validation involves acknowledging and understanding your partner’s emotional experience, without necessarily agreeing with their perspective. For example “I can see why that felt upsetting for you”. Find something to validate for them. This nurtures safety and openness, creating a foundation for effective problem-solving.
Openly recognising your own recurring conflict cycles can slow and stop the escalation. For example “When you stop responding, I react by raising my voice, which then leads you to withdraw further. That is our loop”. By sharing and labelling the process it helps to de-personalise the conflict cycle and increases both partners awareness of these patterns.
In summary, break your own cycles of conflict by taking a moment to pause, understand both partners underlying fears and vulnerabilities, validate each other’s emotions, and name the pattern together. For more personalised assistance with implementing these strategies and more, please speak with your MM Psychologist.
By Carlie Kowald
January usually comes paired with idealistic promises to ourselves: hopeful gym memberships, colour-coded shared planners, resolutions for lifestyle change and the beautifully optimistic idea that this year, yes THIS year, will be the year you finally become the couple who communicates flawlessly, gets on the ‘same page’ as each other and who rarely argue about who didn’t do their half of the chores this week.
But like we mentioned in last month’s blog, picture perfect perfection isn’t the goal in any relationship – genuine connection is. And as the Gottman therapy approach consistently shows, strong relationships aren’t built on the absence of conflict, but on the presence of friendship, repair, and choosing each other daily.
Whether you’re entering the year feeling connected or detached, exhausted or hopeful, here’s some tips from us at Motivating Marriages to help you start the new year on the same team.
Rituals Replace Resolutions
Most New Year’s resolutions stop somewhere between “We’re going to start running together, it’ll be great” and “It’s too hot, I’m tired, let’s stop, my legs hurt.”
Instead, try to focus on creating relationship rituals, which are small predictable moments in your day or week that strengthen connection without requiring a huge amount of time or effort (like running!).
We suggest rituals such as:
A weekly ‘State of the Union’ check-in (Gottman style: 20 minutes, feelings allowed, blame prohibited, I statements)
A morning hug that lasts at least six seconds, soften into it
A Friday night ‘phew we survived another week’ date, even if it’s just eating takeaway on the lounge in your PJs, anything but separately doomscrolling.
Rituals are more achievable and easier to maintain than resolutions often are.
Buy Into Their Bids
According to Gottman therapy, couples build intimacy through thousands of tiny ‘bids for connection’. Some are sweet (“Come look at this sunset with me” or the now infamous “I saw a bird today” – a viral meme which is actually a super cute ‘bid for connection’), and some are… less obvious (“Hey, did you read that headline today?)
Starting strong in 2026 means turning toward these bids more often than you turn away. Trying to be more conscious of your partners bids to you than you were last year.
Your partner may be needing a bid for:
attention
affection
help
reassurance
Saying No, We’re Not Falling For That Again This Year
Some fights can be prevented by acknowledging, and accepting, what simply hasn’t worked well for you as a couple in the past.
For example:
“We don’t start heavy discussions after 10pm.”
“We don’t host every family event just because we have a big backyard”
“Building flat pack furniture is best done when we’re not under time pressure”
Clear boundaries = fewer disasters. Learn from the past what is best to avoid.
A Thousand Thankyou’s
Many couples underestimate how important and meaningful a small thank-you is.
Try starting 2026 with the intentional habit of noticing the tiny things:
“Thanks for making the coffee, it was just what I needed.”
“I really love how you handled that conversation with ___ today.”
“I noticed you put those boxes away, thank you”
Gottman’s research is very clear, relationships thrive when appreciation outweighs criticism.
Lastly, Don’t Wait Till It’s Too Late
Many couples wait until things are already tense, distant, or even explosive before reaching out for some help and assistance.
Therapy isn’t always a sign that something is wrong. It can be a sign you’re investing in what truly matters the most.
If you’d like some short- or long-term relationship support, the psychologists at Motivating Marriages are here to help you improve your communication, rebuild closeness, and set the tone for a rewarding 2026 ahead.
By Carlie Kowald
The Christmas holidays are often filled with summer humidity, family gatherings, end-of-year exhaustion, a thousand social events and the almost inevitable financial pressure of trying to do it all. While it’s meant to be a time of relaxation, loveliness and connection, many couples feel overwhelmed, detached, and like passing ships.
If you and your partner find December harder than other months, you're not alone. At Motivating Marriages, we see this every year, good couples struggling under the stress of the season.
Here’s some simple, evidence-informed tips to help you stay grounded and connected to each other during the craziness of Christmas.
Prep Ahead
Many couples assume that plans will just be the same as other years … until little and big conflicts happen around details concerning family visits, gift expectations, travel plans, or holiday budgets.
Have a pre-Christmas chat. Set aside 20–30 minutes and ask each other:
What matters most to you this Christmas?
What do you want to avoid this year? (Crowded shopping centers, long drives, multiple gatherings in one day? That Aunty?)
What extra support do you need from me?
At Motivating Marriages, we often remind couples that setting clear expectations reduces resentment and frustration. You don’t have to agree on everything, but by understanding each other’s priorities you can avoid conflict more easily.
Basic Boundaries
An Aussie Christmas can mean juggling multiple family events across suburbs - often in high heat, high humidity and high stress.
Healthy boundaries might include:
Limiting how many people or houses you visit in one day
Negotiating in advance how long you’ll stay at each gathering
Protecting and prioritising downtime for just the two of you
Saying no this year to any traditions/people/events/tasks that leave you drained
Boundaries can be discreet to everyone around you, but create a sense of safety, ease and relief when done correctly.
Stay Close
The summer holidays can become so busy that couples barely see each other for quality down time.
Keep it simple:
A short evening walk, the kids can look at twinkling lights and you two can sneak in a little daily debrief
A coffee together on the balcony before the day gets chaotic
A 10-minute check-in before bed
A moment of touch – holding hands, hand on their back as you walk past, a hug, a quick kiss
At Motivating Marriages, we emphasise that small, consistent micro moments matter far more than grand gestures or fancy one off dinners.
Team Work
Even with good preparation, the holidays can stir up emotions, re-ignite family tensions, old wounds, fatigue, or sensory overload.
Keep it simple:
Choose a signal to communicate if you’re getting overwhelmed, remember they’re not mind readers - a particular phrase, a tap on the arm.
Give yourself permission to step away briefly, pretend to take a phone call, grab a drink of water, take in some fresh outside air, sit in the shade, go play with the kids.
Make an effort to reconnect when you are calm and more regulated.
Provide loving reassurance: “We’re a team”. “I’ve got you”. “We can handle this.”
We can’t be our best 24/7. Focus on your own regulation and well-being as a priority.
Lastly, set the goals to be meaningful not mundane
Remember that the goal isn’t to create a picture-perfect Christmas that ticks all the social expectation boxes and looks great from the outside. The goal is to have quality time with quality people who make you feel light and loved.
By focusing on togetherness, teamwork, honesty, boundaries and small daily moments of care, you can create beautiful moments to treasure that feel authentic, meaningful and rewarding.
If You Need Immediate Support Over Christmas:
If you or your partner ever feels unsafe, overwhelmed, or unable to cope over the holiday break, please reach out to crisis supports:
Lifeline Australia: 13 11 14
1800RESPECT (Domestic & Family Violence / Sexual Assault): 1800 737 732
Beyond Blue: 1300 22 4636
Kids Helpline (for teens/young adults): 1800 55 1800
By: Carlie Kowald
