What is Flooding?
Physiological and emotional ‘flooding’ is an intense bodily stress response that can be sparked by interpersonal conflict, and involves the release of adrenaline, causing an increased heart rate, muscle tenseness and diminished cognitive and verbal processing.
Flooding is a surge of very intense emotions that can quickly feel overwhelming and overpowering. In this heightened state, your brain and body can become overstimulated and feel the need to shut down or fight back. It can be extremely difficult to wrangle your emotions or think clearly and rationally. Ultimately, it can cause us to go into a flight, fight, or freeze mode.
For couples, this can result in heightened hostility, miscommunication, and emotional stonewalling. However, by identifying the early signs of flooding (both individually and as a couple), and employing effective coping strategies, partners can support one another and strengthen their relationship. Here’s how to ride the emotion wave as a team.
Recognising the Signs of Emotional Flooding
Emotional flooding looks different from person to person:
Feeling overwhelmed by emotion
Difficulty in thinking rationally
Urge to make quick or irrational decisions
Racing thoughts
Crying (verge of tears)
Urge to flee or escape
Increased heart rate
Breathing pattern changes
Stomach sensations – fluttery, knot, dread
Sweating or flushed feeling
Shaky or jittery
Zoning out
Shutting down
Riding the wave together…
1.Notice the early signs of flooding
Recognising physiological flooding in both yourself and your partner, is the first step in addressing it effectively.
If you notice that you or your partner are beginning to feel overwhelmed and flooded, it’s ideal to acknowledge these early warning signs. Depending on the situation you could consider a comforting action like a gentle touch or validating nod of agreement to convey unity and acknowledgement without adding to the tension.
Read more about Psychological Flooding: Understanding and Managing Overwhelming Emotions
2.Pausing to Regulate and Reset
If we miss the opportunity to pause during flooding, we can run the risk of exacerbating the emotional distress and risk of miscommunicating. Research shows that a minimum of 20 minutes allows the body time to return to a more regulated state. Try to choose an engaging and enjoyable activity to reset and regulate yourself. It’s crucial to avoid fixating on the conflict while taking a break; instead, focus on relaxation rather than replaying the conflict on loop. Ultimately, both partners need to commit to continuing the discussion once they feel calmer and more in control, therefore allowing the conversation to continue with a clearer direction and purpose.
Need some ideas? Click here for a Fun Activities Catalogue
3.Develop Self-Regulation Skills
Successfully managing physiological flooding requires practices that help regulate the nervous system and increase emotional stability. Try practicing controlled breathing, progressive muscle relaxation or grounding exercises. Spend time consciously reframing the conflict within your own perspective, moving from opposition to teamwork, and reminding both of you that you are working together to resolve the issue, rather than opposing against each other.
Click here for Breathing Exercises for Anxiety: 9 Techniques for Stress-Relief
4. Reengage in the Conversation with a Constructive Approach
Once both partners have regained emotional equilibrium and the flooding has passed, returning to the conversation with a collaborative mindset is key. Using healthy communication scripts such as “I” statements (e.g., “I felt upset when…”) rather than blaming statements (“You always…”) helps promote understanding instead of defensiveness. Finally, cooperating together on compromises and joint solutions allows both partners to approach the issue as a shared challenge, learn from the conflict, and continue to work together on reducing the instances of flooding again in the future.
Read more about I Statements vs You Statements: Effective Communication Tips
Conclusion
When couples can catch the flooding warning signs early, pause and regulate, take effective breaks (minimum 20 mins), and reunite to reframe the flooding conflict, they are able to transform moments of complete overwhelm into opportunities for deeper understanding and emotional connection.
By: Carlie Kowald
