Do you ever feel disconnected in your relationship, or get stuck in negative patterns of interaction that you can’t break free from?
The quality of your relationship is largely determined by your emotional connection with your partner. As couples’ therapists, we see many couples who are feeling disconnected, often stemming from communication issues and the couple finding themselves stuck in a constant cycle, having disagreements that end the same way again and again.
How are we able to help couples who are feeling disconnected and stuck in negative patterns? With Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT). In this blog post we’ll dive into what EFT is, what you can expect from an EFT therapist/therapy sessions, and what outcomes you can expect as a couple.
What is Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT)?
EFT is an evidence-based therapeutic approach, developed in the 1980’s alongside the science of adult attachment. It has been shown to effectively help couples overcome a wide range of relationship problems, improve their emotional bond and create a more secure attachment style in their relationship.
The approach focuses on helping couples identify and express their underlying emotions, needs, and desires in a safe and supportive environment. The therapist helps the couple explore patterns of interaction that may be contributing to feeling disconnected, and develop new patterns of communication and behaviours that promote a deeper emotional connection.
What to expect during Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy?
EFT is a collaborative and non-blaming approach that emphasizes the importance of emotional safety and validation in the therapeutic process. EFT uses an "attachment reframe" to help couples understand their negative attachment behaviours and emotional impulses in relation to their survival or attachment style.
Sue Johnson writes in her book Love Sense:
“EFT’s program of relationship repair builds on the science of attachment. We help couples grasp the survival significance of a love relationship. We help them see all the moves that are triggering their dance of disconnection. We slow down the steps that are taking them into separation and pushing them into panic, and we help them come together to halt this destructive sequence” (Love Sense, p. 54)
The overall goal or outcome of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy is:
To better understand and manage your feelings and how you see yourself.
To improve the way you and your partner communicate and behave towards each other.
To build a strong and healthy connection between you and your partner.
There is a 5-step pattern that an EFT couples therapist will utilise throughout each of the typically 8-20 therapy sessions. These steps are;
1. Look at what is happening right now – either inside the partners, or between the partners. They will explain what they see happening and focus on the process that is happening between the couple.
2. Deepen the emotion – the therapist will help you dive deeper into the emotions and your emotional responses. You will begin to talk about the feelings, where they originated and what they really mean.
3. Clarify – the therapist will help you clarify those feelings and where they originated, so that you can articulate your experience and create a new message that is clearer.
4. Process – Your therapist will encourage the new steps you have just taken and the old pattern you have just broken. Partners are encouraged to show understanding of why the other felt that way. This develops a new kind of interaction that creates connection rather than the old negative patterns.
5. Look at what you did – Through reflecting on this process you will build confidence in your ability to reshape your relationship. You will have new skills in both expressing and understanding yours and your partners emotions and by sharing in this experience you can deepen your bond and connection.
Breaking Negative Patterns and Building Connection
Are you ready to break the negative patterns of interaction that are hindering your connection with your partner? We would love to help you navigate this and repair your bond, so you can create your own love story and future like so many other couples we have had the privilege of helping.
Take a look at our couples therapy or reach out to us if you’re ready to start building a better future.
