Christmas time is known for its magic, joy-filled moments and excitement, although for some couples it can mean uncertainty, dread and stress. Between the extra grocery shopping, prepping dishes, alcohol consumption at events, busy shopping centres and pre- emptying awkward family conversations it’s often stress-filled before we even get to the family event! On top of this, time spent with certain family members can cause us to feel the need to walk on eggshells, keep our guard up and think ahead about how we want to plan the day.
Christmas stress can be somewhat inevitable although there are a few things you and your partner can discuss and plan for ahead of time to mitigate the negative effect extended families can have on your well-being and holiday enjoyment.
BOUNDARIES, BOUNDARIES, BOUNDARIES
Family events are usually not the best time to confront hot topics, old feuds or ongoing disagreements. Having firm and polite boundaries around these discussions can help prevent escalating tensions and arguments.
“No, I’m not talking about that today”, “I’m not going to discuss this today”, “I can call you tomorrow to talk about that if you’d like”
are examples of how to maintain your stance respectfully. You may need to calmly repeat yourself many times before you are heard. Stay firm and respectful in your tone of voice and body language.
Each family will have different sources of tensions such as parenting differences, opinions about money or education, who has done wrong to whom etc. Making a decision together about what you are willing to discuss and what you are both not willing to get involved in ahead of time will help you to feel supported by each other and prepared.
PRIORITISE YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Battling the hustle of the holiday season needs you and your partner to have clear and open communication. Ensuring you use your communication skills of soft starts and using ‘I’ statements will reduce conflict and misinterpretation from your partner. Using non-blaming and non-judgmental language can avoid defensiveness and hurt. Check in with each other if there is anything that you are anxious about and use it to have a constructive conversation together.
At the family event, look for those ‘little moments’ where you can check in with each other, it may be a quick check in chat before the meal, or it may be a non-verbal look or hand squeeze (3 squeezes for ‘I love you’, 2 squeezes for ‘save me’). Try to be aware that both of you will have different perspectives on each other’s families and family members. This is completely normal and understandable and can help you to not feel as though you’re on different teams protecting opposing families. It’s normal for couples to have to adjust and tolerate each other’s feelings towards their families. If you can maintain respect and tolerance throughout this process, you’ll both be rewarded with less tension and defensiveness.
MANAGE YOUR JUDGEMENTS
It is blindingly obvious that your in-laws are different from your own parents. These natural differences can subconsciously cause frustration at the obvious differences and can result in us ignoring the similarities or positive aspects of the ‘other’ family. The behaviours around traditions or communication might feel vastly different, but maybe if we looked a little deeper, we might see that the underlying values e.g. Tradition, love, family time etc., may be more similar than you’d previously realised. The “wrapping” might be different, but the “gift” might be similar.
Reflecting that as kooky and weird as they may seem, your partner’s family traditions are established traditions that began years before they involved you. Challenge yourself to be curious this year, you may learn things about your partner and their family (and yourself!) that you never knew before.
PROTECT YOURSELF
Using unhelpful coping mechanisms such as the ‘fawn’ response or people pleasing, saying yes to all requests, over-committing or tolerating disrespectful communication can lead to us feeling resentful, angry, sad and unworthy. Try to find the middle line and be considerate and polite and respectful without being cold, rude or the doormat! Balance putting everyone’s needs and expectations of you alongside your own needs for some time out, rest and respect. Ensuring this self-protection occurs prior to the event allows us to show up less resentful, less hostile and feeling more in control and emotionally regulated.
CREATING A CONSCIOUS CONNECTION
If possible, try to use this year to show some grace (whilst protecting your boundaries) and think creatively about how to reset old negative cycles. Maybe you could start a new tradition, create a gingerbread house competition, organise a game of backyard cricket, bring a new boardgame or just kill them with kindness this year. When we are regulated emotionally and in charge of how we act, it’s amazing what feats we can achieve.
EXIT STRATEGY
Being realistic, however, in some families it may not be emotionally safe to stay for the whole event. Sometimes despite our best genuine efforts and pre-planning, the family is unable to uphold our boundaries and can become offensive. It’s best to have a discussion prior to attending about when to leave, how to leave, what you will say and whether you will leave together or not. There are no right or wrongs here but being on the same page as each other can ensure the exit strategy goes smoothly for both of you.
Motivating Marriages wishes you and your partner a lovely Christmas. Try to plan ahead with gentle and compassionate conversations with each other. Using soft start-ups, ‘I’ statements and non-defensive listening skills. Hang the mistletoe for a 6 second kiss and enjoy your time together. Merry Christmas from all of us and see you in the new year.
By Carlie Kowald
