“When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it’s our job to share our calm, not join their chaos.”
– L.R. Knost
Here is a common scenario: Little Oscar had his toys snatched away suddenly by his cousin. He came crying to his Dad to seek assistance, who told him, “Stop crying, it’s ok. It’s no big deal. You’ve got plenty of other toys to play with”.
What we as parents can miss here is the opportunity to build problem solving skills and emotion regulation skills with our child. When we dismiss their feelings or experiences as ‘just a stolen toy’, we miss the chance to teach emotions and social skills. We may lose the opportunity to connect and guide them through their age-appropriate challenging situation.
What Is Emotion Dismissing?
Emotion dismissing is the tendency to ignore, deny, minimise or trivialise the expression of emotions, especially ‘negative’ ones. An emotion dismissing parent is a parent who consciously or unconsciously minimises their child’s negative feelings or their outward emotional expression.
Emotion dismissing parents often view negative emotions such as anger, sadness and fear, as harmful or confronting, and want those feelings to go away quickly, despite the fact that anger, sadness and fear are very appropriate and natural emotion states in all humans. Emotion dismissing parents can view anger as their child losing control, being aggressive, or selfishness from their child. They might view sadness as uncomfortable, ungrateful, or manipulative. Fear might be seen as a weakness and an embarrassment to other parents. In an attempt to move away from the negative emotion, an emotion dismissing parent may try to distract, cheer up, scold, shame, criticise or threaten with punishment to stop the child’s emotional response.
“Oh, don’t be such a cry baby.”
“Stop being shy, you know who that is!”
“You shouldn’t feel sad about that.”
“If you can’t control yourself, go to you room and stay there until you calm down.”
“Just forget about it.”
“It wasn’t that bad; he didn’t mean it.”
“Only little babies cry, are you a little baby?”
Why Do Some Parents Dismiss Children’s Feelings?
Modeling Behavior: Parents often replicate the parenting styles and practices they experienced as children. If they grew up with emotion dismissing parents, they may inadvertently repeat these patterns without even realising it.
Belief in Right or Wrong Emotions: Some parents genuinely believe that certain emotions are "wrong" or unacceptable, and they want to guide their children toward what they perceive as more appropriate feelings.
Avoidance of Uncomfortable Emotions: Parents may dismiss their children's emotions because they don't understand or want to confront those feelings. This can result from personal experiences, projected feelings, or an aversion to uncomfortable emotions.
Embarrassment and Fear: Parents may feel embarrassed about their children's emotional displays, especially in public settings. They might fear that their child's emotions will reflect poorly on their parenting skills, leading them to dismiss or suppress these emotions.
Misconceptions about Suppression: Some parents mistakenly believe that ignoring or suppressing negative emotions in children will make them disappear. However, the feelings are still felt by the child, but just not seen by the parents.
Effects Of Emotion Dismissing Parenting On Children
Mental Health: When children's emotions are minimised or dismissed, they may internalise the message that their feelings are not valid or that they are wrong to feel a certain way. This can lead to issues with self-esteem and a higher risk of developing mental health problems, such as depression and anxiety.
Emotional Intelligence and Behavioural Issues: Children who do not receive proper emotional validation and guidance may struggle to understand and regulate their emotions. This can result in difficulties in managing their feelings, leading to pent-up anger. This anger might manifest as outbursts, tantrums, or other undesirable behaviors. These children may be at a higher risk of developing disruptive behavior disorders in the future.
Lack of Empathy: Dismissive parenting practices can hinder the development of empathy in children. If their own emotions are routinely dismissed, they may have a harder time understanding and empathising with the emotions of others. These traits have been associated with negative outcomes like antisocial behavior, conduct problems, and delinquency.
"Children's emotions are just as real as yours. Just because they might get sad over the colour of their cup, does not make their emotion any less real"
- Rebekah Lipp
Emotion coaching helps children develop a healthy understanding of their emotions, better emotional regulation skills, and improved empathy, all of which are essential for their overall well-being and social development.
Emotion Coaching Vs Emotion Dismissing Parenting
In my clinical experience, parents often think that if they validate the emotion, it sends the message to the child that their behaviour is also acceptable. This is not the case. When we skillfully validate the emotion, it can actually place us in a more powerful and influential place with our child to alter and guide their behaviour outbursts to more appropriate options and alternatives. By working with your child, instead of against your child, you are less likely to find yourself in a power struggle or that ever increasing volcano of poor behaviour. Validation of the emotion (note: not the behaviours necessarily) allows us to de-escalate and down-regulate with our child much, much faster and more effectively.
"Say 'yes' to the feelings, even as you say 'no' to the behaviour"
- Dr Dan Siegel
Emotion coaching, as researched by Dr John Gottman and his colleagues, is a more effective approach for helping children develop healthy emotional regulation skills compared to emotion-dismissing practices. Emotion coaching parents acknowledge and validate their child's emotions, whether they are positive or negative. This validation sends the message that it's okay to feel a wide range of emotions, and children don't need to suppress or hide their feelings. This acceptance helps children feel seen, heard, and understood.
Emotion coaching parents view their child's emotional experiences as opportunities for teaching and learning. This approach fosters emotional intelligence and equips children with essential life skills. Children learn that emotions are a normal part of life, and they are guided in finding constructive ways to express and cope with their emotions, reducing the likelihood of emotional outbursts or suppression. Parents who practice emotion coaching demonstrate empathy by trying to understand their child's perspective and putting themselves in their child's shoes. This empathetic approach helps build a strong emotional connection between parents and children.
Children feel supported and loved when they sense that their parents are genuinely trying to understand and share in their emotional experiences. Emotion coaching fosters trust and a deep emotional connection between parents and children. When children know that their emotions are respected and their feelings are valued, they are more likely to trust their parents and turn to them for support in times of emotional need. This trust forms the foundation for a secure parent-child relationship.
The five essential steps of Emotion Coaching:
Be aware of your child’s emotion.
Recognize your child’s expression of emotion as a perfect moment for intimacy and teaching.
Listen with empathy and validate your child’s feelings.
Help your child learn to label their emotions with words.
Set behaviour limits when you are helping your child to solve problems or deal with upsetting situations appropriately.
Benefits of Emotion Coaching
Emotion coaching is a parenting approach that involves acknowledging and validating a child's emotions, helping them understand and manage their feelings, and teaching them healthy ways to express themselves. Research in developmental psychology has shown that children raised in emotion coaching environments tend to develop better emotional regulation skills.
"The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice"
- Peggy O'Mara
Improved Emotional Regulation: Emotion coaching helps children learn to recognise, label, and understand their emotions. This process promotes self-awareness and self-regulation, enabling children to manage their feelings effectively.
Increased Self-Confidence: Children who are emotionally coached by their parents tend to have higher self-esteem and self-confidence. By having their emotions acknowledged and validated, they feel more valued and secure in their relationships.
Enhanced Social Skills: Emotional intelligence and regulation are crucial for successful social interactions. Children who have been coached in handling their emotions tend to have better interpersonal skills, making it easier for them to form and maintain positive relationships with peers and adults.
Academic Performance: Improved emotional regulation can positively impact a child's academic performance. They are better able to manage stress and anxiety, which can lead to better concentration and problem-solving abilities in school.
Physical and Emotional Health: Emotion-coached children are more likely to develop healthy coping mechanisms, reducing the risk of mental health issues like anxiety and depression. Additionally, better emotional regulation can lead to lower levels of stress, which can have a positive impact on physical health.
Resilience: Children raised in emotion-coaching environments tend to be more resilient in the face of life's challenges. They learn to adapt and bounce back from setbacks, as they have developed the skills to manage their emotions and cope with adversity.
Long-term Benefits: The effects of emotion coaching can extend into adulthood. Adults who were raised in such environments tend to have better mental health, more satisfying relationships, and improved overall well-being.
"When a child can't calm down, they need connection and comfort, not criticism and control"
- Jane Evans
Examples of Emotion Coaching Phrases
“It’s okay to be upset — it’s good to let it out with me here to help you. “
“I hear you — And I’m here for you — I’ll stay with you.”
“This feeling won’t last forever. It’s okay to feel how you are feeling. It will come and go, and you will feel better again soon.”
“Let’s take a breath together, I wonder what colour your emotion is today? “
By practicing these principles of emotion coaching, parents create a nurturing and supportive environment that encourages healthy emotional development in their children. Children learn not only to manage their emotions but also to develop greater self-awareness and interpersonal skills. This approach helps set the stage for lifelong emotional well-being and positive relationships.
Please feel free to reach out to any of our Psychologists who are all educated in the 5 Emotion Coaching skills.
By Carlie Kowald
