Did you know there are 6 communication patterns that determine the success of your discussions with your partner, and also act as a predictor of your likelihood of divorce?

Dr. Gottman, renowned relationship expert whose methods we use here at Motivating Marriages, compares observing a couple's interaction to monitoring the stock market. Just like the Dow Jones, a relationship can fluctuate based on various factors that influence its trajectory. Verbal statements, facial expressions, and body language can all be categorised as positive, neutral, or negative, and significantly impact a couple's bond.

In this blog, we’re going to explore these 6 communication patterns and divorce predictors. Don’t be alarmed if you recognise some (or all!) of these patterns in your relationship – there is always hope.

The Gottman Institute's research has also uncovered the Seven Principles that make marriages work, and we'll introduce a workshop that teaches you these essential principles.

1.     Harsh Start-Up:

Conversations often end the way they begin. If a discussion starts with a harsh tone or criticism, it is likely to end negatively. Astonishingly, 96% of conversations that begin with a harsh start-up result in a negative outcome. Only 4% of couples manage to recover from such an unfavourable start and engage in a constructive conversation. The first three minutes of a discussion can predict its ultimate outcome, so it's crucial to be mindful of how we initiate conversations.

2.     The Four Horsemen:

The Four Horsemen are destructive communication patterns that can wreak havoc on a relationship. These patterns include criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.

a) Criticism: Resorting to blame and using phrases like "you always" or "you never" can lead to disaster. Instead, couples should aim to address problems together, taking responsibility as a team.

b) Defensiveness: When faced with perceived attacks, defensiveness becomes a counterattack. It can manifest as innocent victimhood or blaming the partner. Unfortunately, defensiveness only escalates conflicts and pushes couples further away from resolution. Taking responsibility for our actions and reactions is the antidote to defensiveness.

c) Contempt: This toxic behaviour involves putting oneself on a superior pedestal and belittling the partner through name-calling, eye-rolling, mocking, or sarcasm. Contempt slowly poisons a relationship, making effective and constructive conversation nearly impossible. Cultivating a culture of appreciation and using gentle start-ups can counteract contempt.

d) Stonewalling: Stonewalling occurs when one partner tunes out and disengages, displaying physical signs of disinterest and disconnection. In heterosexual relationships, approximately 85% of stonewallers are men. Stonewalling only intensifies conflicts, leading to a dynamic of emotional distance and pursuit. Practicing physiological self-soothing techniques can help combat stonewalling.

3.     Flooding:

During conflicts, couples can experience flooding—an overwhelming feeling of defencelessness and powerlessness. When flooded, we tend to emotionally disengage as a way to protect ourselves from the onslaught of negative emotions. Physiological responses such as increased heart rate, elevated blood pressure, and the secretion of stress hormones hinder our ability to listen, think clearly, empathize, problem solve, and think creatively. Constructive conversations and problem-solving become impossible, as our focus narrows down to perceived signs of danger.

4.     Body Language:

Our body's response to conflict can significantly impact the outcome of discussions. When our heart rate surpasses 100 beats per minute, blood pressure rises, and stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol flood our system, our fight-or-flight response is activated. We feel as though we are in a fight for survival, making it challenging to listen, think clearly, empathize, problem solve, and think creatively. It becomes nearly impossible to engage in productive dialogue when our body is in this heightened state of threat.

5.     Failed Repair Attempts:

Happy couples excel at de-escalating conflicts and making repairs when disagreements veer off track. In contrast, unhappy couples allow conflicts to escalate, either neglecting to make repair attempts or rejecting the ones offered by their partner. The success of repair attempts hinges on the underlying friendship and connection between partners.

6. Bad Memories and Rewriting the Past:

When negativity engulfs a relationship, couples not only interpret their present experiences negatively but also engage in rewriting their past. Positive memories are forgotten or minimized, and past events are viewed through a negative mental filter. This negative sentiment override can be detrimental to the relationship's health.

Were any of those familiar to you? Recognising the warning signs of divorce is the first step towards healing and strengthening your relationship.

While it may be disheartening to see your relationship embody some of these predictors, remember that the Gottman Institute's research has also identified the Seven Principles that lead to successful marriages.

If you would like to learn these 7 principles and transform your relationship, we’d love to invite you to join our Gottman Institute "Seven Principles of Making a Marriage Work" workshop. Take the leap and invest in your relationship's future. Together, let's build a strong foundation for a lasting and fulfilling marriage.

Join our "Seven Principles of Making a Marriage Work" workshop today! Click here for more information and to secure your spot today.