Is it possible to rebuild trust after infidelity? Is this relationship one worth saving? When a partner has been unfaithful, these are some of the questions the couple is left asking. 

The answer? Yes, it is absolutely possible for couples to heal after betrayal. It isn’t an easy road and will take commitment and time, but we’ve seen many couples rebuild after a breach of trust.

The Gottman Trust Revival Method outlines the 3 phases that couples progress through to repair their relationship. In this blog we’ll explore these 3 phases; Atone, Attune and Attach. 

Phase 1. Atone

The "Atone" phase plays a pivotal role in the process of recovering from infidelity. During this phase, it is the responsibility of the person who cheated to take full accountability for their actions and make sincere efforts to repair the damage caused. They must avoid defensiveness, excuses, or blaming their partner for their actions. 

The partner who was betrayed is likely experiencing anger, sadness, pain, humiliation and understandably have trust issues and may be frequently triggered by thoughts of the betrayal. 

In this phase, the betrayed partner must be open to the idea of forgiving their spouse but also seek answers about why the betrayal occurred in the first place. Transparent and sometimes uncomfortable conversations are essential for healing. 

Rebuilding trust involves providing the wounded partner with continuous reassurance that infidelity will not re-occur. This may mean the cheating partner needs to provide full access to personal information like messages and emails and temporarily sacrifice certain activities to rebuild trust. 

Overall, the Atone phase emphasizes remorse, honesty, full disclosure, and open communication as essential steps towards healing a relationship fractured by infidelity.

How a therapist can help in this phase:

The conversations that need to happen during the Atone phase are uncomfortable and likely to cause pain and emotional overwhelm, but they are a critical first step to repair. Being guided by a therapist through these conversations will ensure they are transparent, constructive and help move your relationship forward to phase 2; Attune.

Phase 2. Attune

The second phase of the Gottman Trust Revival Method is "Attune". As we make progress on forgiveness, we begin to shift the focus to building a new, stronger relationship. Both partners acknowledge that there were unmet needs and problems in the old relationship, and they commit to addressing these issues with a fresh approach. 

This phase centres on the concept of attunement, as defined by Dr. John Gottman, which involves the desire and ability to understand and respect your partner's inner world. By sharing vulnerabilities and deep emotions, couples can prevent feelings of loneliness and invisibility. 

Dr. Gottman provides various tactics in his book "What Makes Love Last?" to guide couples in navigating conflicts and fostering emotional sharing to rebuild trust. These strategies include setting aside time daily to check in with each other and replacing accusatory "you" statements with "I feel" statements to promote open and honest communication. 

Ultimately, attunement builds intimacy and reinforces trust in the relationship, provided both partners commit to learning how to handle conflict and make their relationship a priority, even going public with their commitment to garner support from loved ones. 

How a therapist can help in this phase:

Identifying the aspects of your relationship that need improvement and engaging in conversations about them requires a great deal of vulnerability. A therapist can gently guide you in uncovering and expressing those deeper thoughts, emotions, and desires that lie beneath the surface. They will ensure you have a safe space and the tools you need to express your feelings, have vulnerable and constructive conversations, and provide you with the tools needed to begin healing and rebuilding the relationship. 

Phase 3. Attach

In the third and final phase, "Attach," the focus shifts to a critical yet often challenging aspect of rebuilding trust after infidelity: sexual intimacy.

Discussing physical intimacy can be especially daunting because the betrayed partner may be grappling with anger, resentment, and fear related to the past infidelity. However, restoring pleasurable and meaningful sexual intimacy is essential for the relationship to fully heal.

Dr. Gottman recommends introducing intimate conversations centred around sex throughout your day to day life. Just as in the attunement phase, where you discuss personal and intimate topics, here, you introduce discussions about sex to explore your partner's feelings, attitudes, and preferences in the bedroom. 

Effective communication is key to enjoying satisfying sex, and asking each other questions about desires, preferences, and fantasies can be a powerful tool. These conversations, though initially challenging, can gradually mend and deepen the emotional connection between partners. By openly addressing sexual needs and desires, couples can reignite the passion in the bedroom and move forward from past mistakes.

How a therapist can help:

Learning to communicate about sex is a vital skill for couples looking to overcome betrayal and rebuild their relationship. These conversations often need the guidance of an experienced therapist who can provide a safe space to express and heal from hurt, and help the conversations remain productive and move towards healing and greater intimacy.  

It’s important to remember that there is no fixed timeframe that a couple must move through the 3 phases of Trust Revival. The journey of rebuilding trust after infidelity is undeniably challenging and each couple’s journey is unique, but it's a path that many couples have successfully navigated.

With your commitment and some professional guidance, healing and rebuilding trust is possible. If you would like to book an appointment with one of our Gottman trained therapists, please reach out today – we would love to guide you on the journey to healing and repair.