What is EFT?

Emotionally Focused Therapy, or EFT, is an evidence-based type of couples therapy that was developed by Dr. Sue Johnson. EFT utilises attachment theory and the way we attach to others as a way for individuals and couples to better understand and improve their emotional connections.

EFT builds on the concept that our emotional bonds with others, especially in close intimate relationships, are key to our well-being. It allows individuals and couples identify and express their emotions in a healthy way, deepening our understanding of each other. The therapy helps to reduce a couple’s negative patterns of communication and behaviour, allowing and encouraging for more positive and supportive interactions. EFT has been found effective in helping couples solidify and maintain secure, safe, and long-lasting bonds. 

The goal of EFT is to use bonding exercises in session to bring couples closer together with empathy, understanding and acceptance.  

What is Empathy? 

Empathy is a crucial component of healthy, secure, and fulfilling relationships. Empathy involves not only understanding another person's emotions, but also being able to ‘feel’ and ‘share’ in those emotions. It is to truly connect with another. Dr. Gottman describes empathy as mirroring a partner’s feelings in a way that lets them know that their feelings are understood and shared. Empathy is more than just a rational comprehension and involves a deep emotional connection with others. When simplified, there are two main types of empathy:

1. Cognitive Empathy: The ability to understand and intellectually grasp another person's perspective, emotions, or point of view. It involves being able to perceive things from someone else's viewpoint.

2. Emotional Empathy: The ability to go beyond understanding another’s viewpoint and involves feeling the emotions that another person may be facing. It's a more intuitive and open experience for the feelings of others.

Empathy plays a key role in building meaningful and rewarding relationships, promoting understanding, and encouraging compassion and cooperation among partners. It's a fundamental aspect of positive human interaction and social relationships.

It involves the ability to understand and truly share the feelings of another person, which in turn creates emotional intimacy, trust, and connection between partners. In challenging and stressful times, empathy becomes even more vital in resolving conflicts and preserving a strong bond.

What Role Does Empathy Play In Relationships?

Improved Communication: Empathy allows partners to truly listen to each other and recognise each other's perspective, even if vastly different to their own. As you would imagine, this style of empathetic communication leads to constructive communication and effective problem-solving.

Emotional Support: When partners are empathetic to each other, it allows for vulnerability, healthy expression of emotion and communication without judgement or criticism. It allows both partners to feel that the relationship creates a safe space for their emotion.  

Strengthened Connection: Empathy builds deeper bonding as partners enjoy feeling valued, heard, seen and respected. This flows on to nurture mutual trust and strengthen the relationship. 

Conflict Resolution: Empathy can de-escalate arguments and conflicts by assisting partners to see each other's point of view and therefore have faster, more effective, and less reactive resolutions.

Emotion Focused Strategies for Enhancing Empathy and Understanding:

In conflict, each partner can take turns expressing their emotions and thoughts, while the other partner listens respectively and attentively. Taking turns, the listener can summarise what they've heard to ensure understanding and validation. This fosters empathy by demonstrating that you value your partner's perspective and have heard them.

Encourage your partner to express, name and acknowledge their emotions, even if you don't agree or approve of their emotional response. Try saying, "I can see that you're feeling sad right now”. This demonstrates empathy and validates their feelings.

Make sure that you share your own emotions and feelings with your partner and allow them to empathise with your emotional experiences as well. This vulnerability and honesty can create a mutual and reciprocal empathetic environment.

Guiding each other toward identifying, feeling, and experiencing emotions. Both partners working together and individually to treat all aspects of emotion and expressions with compassion, curiosity, and warmth. 

Ensuring to use “I” statements instead of making accusatory "you" statements. Try "I" statements to express your own feelings and needs. For example, say "I feel sad when..." rather than "You always make me feel..."

Blaming or criticising your partner can hinder empathy. Focus instead on labelling your feelings and needs rather than assigning fault to your partner.

In challenging relationship situations, it's so important to remain present and attentive to your partner. To be truly empathetically tuned into each other we need to put away distractions and show that we’re fully engaged in the conversation and their emotional experience.

If you find it difficult to boost empathy and understanding in your relationship, we at MM would recommend you seek the assistance of a couple’s therapist trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy such as Kerrie or Adrian. They have the specialised skills and knowledge to guide you and tailor treatment to your relationship’s specific needs.

Lastly, please try to remember that building and improving empathy in any relationship will take time and effort. It will be an ongoing process as you learn the skill of empathy and the actions of empathetic communication. As with learning any new skill it will require your patience and practice. Over time, empathy for your partner will reward you by allowing you to truly understand your partner with compassion, thus continuing to strengthen the bond between you both.

By Carlie Kowald